Even the happiest couples argue—and sometimes in ways that don’t reflect their true intentions. Raising voices, storming out of a room, or shutting down emotionally are common reactions, even among deeply committed partners. Often, after these tense moments, people find themselves saying things like: “I don’t know why I said that… I didn’t mean it,” or “I want to listen more, but I feel like I black out during arguments,” or even, “I’d like to talk about certain things, but I get so nervous that I just have to leave.”
Therapists trained in the Gottman Method identify these dynamics as signs of what’s called “diffuse physiological arousal” (DPA), more commonly referred to as “emotional overload.” This state is the body’s response to perceived threats, triggering the release of stress hormones that affect both the mind and body.
Physically, it may manifest as shallow breathing, muscle tension, a racing heart, and other stress-related symptoms. Mentally, it leads to defensive self-focus, making it harder to engage in behaviors that foster connection, like expressing affection, showing curiosity, or solving problems constructively. Instead, couples may resort to what Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Emotional overload in relationships can stem from external or internal stressors. External stress includes challenges like job pressure, heavy traffic, or family responsibilities. In fast-paced cities, the daily grind can leave little room for relaxation.
Internal stress, on the other hand, arises within the relationship itself, such as a lack of emotional intimacy, frequent arguments, or dissatisfaction in the bedroom. When these issues exceed a couple’s ability to cope, they experience “emotional dysregulation,” making effective problem-solving difficult and increasing the likelihood of reactive, unproductive responses.
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Research by John Gottman shows that when someone is overwhelmed, it takes about 20 minutes for stress hormones to leave the bloodstream. For couples facing emotional overload, taking a deliberate pause can be crucial to de-escalate tension.
Finding activities that help both partners relax is also key to managing stress. This can include shared hobbies, solo pursuits, or calming exercises that reset emotional states.
If one partner becomes overwhelmed during a conflict, these steps can help:
Request a pause: Agree to take at least 20 minutes to calm down before returning to the conversation.
Engage in calming activities: Go for a walk, write in a journal, or take a shower to reset emotionally.
Reconcile thoughtfully: After the break, approach the conversation with a calmer mindset, apologizing where necessary and focusing on solutions.
Working as a team to manage stress is essential for protecting and strengthening a relationship. Identifying stressors and tackling them collaboratively allows couples to create a stronger bond. Activities like weekend getaways, engaging in new shared experiences, or simply carving out quiet moments together can help reignite connection and ease tension.
With patience, practice, and mutual commitment, couples can turn stressful moments into opportunities for growth. By learning to face challenges as a united front, they can build resilience, strengthen emotional bonds, and ensure their relationship remains a source of support and joy.
